How to define the relationship (DTR)

Relationships can be a rollercoaster—sometimes you’re holding hands, and other times you’re wondering where you stand. One of the trickiest moments is figuring out when and how to define the relationship (DTR). 

At some point, you’ve probably asked yourself: Are we just hanging out? Are we dating? Is this exclusive? When these questions start to weigh on you, it’s time to have an honest conversation.

Why Defining the Relationship Matters

Getting clear on your relationship status is crucial. It’s about making sure both of you are on the same page about what you want and expect. In case you’re thinking about exclusivity or just trying to avoid mixed signals, defining the relationship can save you both from confusion.

A friend of mine, Sarah, was casually dating someone for a few months. She really liked him but wasn’t sure if he felt the same. After a few weeks of uncertainty, she decided to ask him where they stood. 

Turns out, he was on the same page and wanted to be exclusive—they just hadn’t talked about it yet. That simple conversation made things clear for both of them.

When Is the Right Time to Define the Relationship?

There’s no exact timeline for when to have the DTR talk. It’s more about how you feel than how long you’ve been seeing each other. 

If you’re constantly wondering where things are going, that’s a good sign it’s time to talk.

One of my coworkers, Mark, waited until he had been dating his now-girlfriend for about three months before bringing up the subject. 

He felt like he knew her well enough by then to have an open conversation. And guess what? It went smoothly because they were both ready to talk about it.

If you’re finding yourself in a situationship—where things are vague and undefined—it’s especially important to have this conversation. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s better to know where you stand than to keep guessing.

Steps to Take When You’re Ready to Define the Relationship

So, you’ve decided it’s time to talk. Here’s how a basic framework on how to approach it:

Reflect on Where You Are

Before jumping into the conversation, think about how the relationship makes you feel. Are you happy, or are you feeling anxious? If you’re feeling stuck or unsure, it’s probably time to address it.

My friend Jenna realized she was feeling more anxious than excited about her relationship because she didn’t know where it was headed. That’s when she knew it was time to bring it up.

Clarify What You Want

Before you talk, know what you’re hoping to get out of the conversation. Do you want exclusivity? More clarity? Just to know how they feel? Having a clear idea will help you communicate better.

Be Ready for Their Response

Prepare yourself for any response, whether it’s what you want to hear or not. For instance, if you want exclusivity and they’re not ready, you’ll need to decide what that means for you moving forward.

Approach the Conversation Naturally

Don’t make it feel like a big deal. Try to let the conversation flow naturally, like you would with any other topic. If it’s too formal, it might put the other person on edge.

My friend Dave once started the DTR talk with his girlfriend while they were on a walk. He kept it casual, which helped her feel more comfortable, and the conversation went smoothly.

Use Open-Ended Questions

Instead of asking yes or no questions, try asking something that invites a deeper conversation. For example, “How do you feel about where we’re at?” rather than, “Are we exclusive?” It opens up the dialogue and encourages honesty.

Express Yourself Using “I” Statements

When you start with “I” statements, it makes the conversation less confrontational. Saying things like, “I really like spending time with you,” or “I’d like to know where we’re heading,” helps express your feelings without putting pressure on the other person.

Be Specific About What You Want Next

If you have something specific in mind for the future, say it. if you’re only seeing each other sporadically, but you’d like to see them more often, mention it. Specificity helps set clear expectations.

Be Ready for Future Conversations

Remember, defining the relationship isn’t a one-time thing. As your relationship grows, you’ll need to check in with each other to make sure you’re still on the same page.

A buddy of mine, Tom, and his partner revisit the DTR conversation every few months. They’ve found it helps them stay connected and ensure they’re both happy with how things are going.

Conclusion

Defining the relationship might feel daunting, but it’s an important step in any relationship. By being clear about your feelings and open to hearing theirs, you can avoid confusion and build a stronger connection. So, take a deep breath, start the conversation, and get the clarity you both need.